I’m sick today*, so let’s take a break from the usual round of advice and borderline abusive logic I throw your way. One thing I love about WordPress is the search term tracker. It shows me all the search terms that some of you entered that led you to this site. Some are obvious, some not so much. But they are all queries which led you to me, so I will do my best to answer them. Even if they’re not really questions.
“how to use nipple clamps”
This is one of the more common search terms. I am sorry to have disappointed you, searcher, but this Kinky World post might help you out. Godspeed.
“buzzfeed quiz gay”
Please don’t rely on Buzzed quizzes to determine your sexual orientation. Ever. It’ll probably just tell you you’re in love with Benedict Cumberbatch anyway.
“how does twist and shout end”
With neither twisting nor shouting, to the shock and wonder of all.
“Don’t disturb me or else I will fuck you”
…All right, then. Carry on.
“reaching 27000 first novel word count”
If you reached this, good for you! It’s an excellent start. If you’re trying to reach this, then write a little every day, keep your momentum going, and don’t lose hope.
An underrated danger at Home Depot, the Kamikaze Toolbox can drop on the unwary from a great height, stunning its prey before the flock descends to feast. Thank you for bringing this predator to our attention.
“You never understood me”
Do you want to hug it out?
“You never ever understand me”
Shh, no more talking. Just hugs.
“boring parts of writing?”
Consider making those sections of your story more interesting, or not writing them at all. No reader anywhere ever got excited to get to ‘the boring part’.
“surprised and shocked cardboard box”
I don’t want to know what you did to that box.
“what sort of things should aspiring authors tweet”
Things which make you seem like a human interacting with other humans instead of a bipedal promotion machine are good. Not good are spam-style shilling, dick pics, and threats to murder reviewers. It’s amazing how many writers don’t understand the last one.
“how to gain height, if its by genital character”
Too busy for the space bar?
“how to offend your mum secretly”
Leave an anonymous poop in the mailbox. Results may vary depending on federal laws and mums.
I’m not sure, but I’m going to say that’s illegal under animal cruelty laws.
“fucking it is about time i started writing”
Yes it is! And welcome. I can tell you’ll fit right in here.
*And will likely remain so for some time. Updates will likely come later than usual over the next little while.